Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Wish'n and Hope'n: The Infertility Journey Begins

It’s January 2014.  In December I turned 31 and Jake and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary.  I haven’t written a blog post since April 2013.  It’s been one heck of a year since last April and I haven’t really known how to feel about it or how to feel about our new lives since moving to Oklahoma, which is why I have mostly remained silent on the blog.  Blogs are for writing happy things and telling happy stories. Although I’ve had happy moments since April 2013, overall I’ve been trying to find my equilibrium again, which has been somewhat of a struggle at times.  To summarize those few months since April, Jake graduated from dental school, commissioned in the army and started his four weeks of officer’s training before we moved to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma in July in order for him to start a one-year residency.  

Of course these are all wonderful things that I am grateful for.  However, since that time I have struggled to find out how I fit in in a place with a culture seemingly foreign to me while Jake is continuing his career. On top of undergoing all of these changes we’ve also been trying to get pregnant.  These circumstances don’t always make for smooth sailing and I’ve definitely had my various moments these last several months.

The New Year opened up with news that hit me especially hard although it’s likely that it would seem trivial to an outsider.  After more than two years of being off of birth control and then seriously trying to conceive for 6 months I finally went to the doctor in order to get a referral to see a specialist.  Even the visit to the doctor to receive this referral was troubling for me.  In order to make that appointment I had to acknowledge to myself that I am not going to be able to do this on my own.  This was after an extended amount of time of wishing and hoping that seeing a fertility specialist would not be necessary.  Then, as the new-year approached I received the information that I had been referred to a specialist in Ft. Worth, TX.  That is three hours away.  Immediately I started to hate Oklahoma and bemoan the fact that I lived in a place that didn’t have the medical care I needed closer to home.  After trying to conceive for more than two years it felt to me like God didn’t want me to have a baby. I was confused and hurt.  After contemplation I have realized that at this point any sort of roadblock that will prolong my ability to get pregnant is going to be painful to bear.  Every obstruction only delays the strongest desire of my heart for what I feel I have already waited so long for.

I know that am only in the beginning of this journey.  I don’t mean to compare my feelings or my situation to anyone else’s.  I know that people that are dealing with infertility have had many more difficult situations to face than myself.  What my experiences thus far have taught me is that infertility is an emotional battle.  If getting a referral to see a specialist that is three hours away can lead me to tears, I can only imagine the pain a person must feel further into this process.  At this point, I don’t know what the future holds and that is really the scariest thing of all. This post isn’t a plea for sympathy, but it is a plea for sensitivity.  Any time anyone asks the question about us “When are they going to have kids,” or “Are they ever going to have kids” it just puts salt into a wound that grows a little bigger month after month.   I also don’t write this with an intention to push people away.  I don’t want to scare the people closest to me into avoiding the topic altogether.  I want people to ask me how I am and how everything is going because even though it’s hard to admit it, I am desperate for an empathetic ear. Obviously, it is my hope and prayer that Jake and I will be lead down a path that will bless us with the opportunity to start a family.  It is my hope that you will pray for us also.  


Monday, April 22, 2013

So Proud of This Man...

I am so proud of Jake Wilding today! I got to be there when he presented his thesis to the board. He did such a great job and it's good to know what has been occupying so much of his time for the last three years :-). I must admit that in retrospect, I feel bad about all the nagging he's gotten and the questions about "WHY RESEARCH IS TAKING SO LONG!" I can honestly say that no matter the future outcome, all the time he has spent on his research has been worth it...

Friday, April 19, 2013

Can't Wait!

Jake told me we got a much anticipated item in the mail today.  I came home to this!  Can't wait to hit up the trails in Havasupai with my love!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Congratulations in Order

I just want to take a minute to say just how far we've come in dental school.  Monday, Jake discovered that he passed part two of his boards!  I don't know why he was so worried (I knew he had passed).  It's finally starting to feel like maybe, just maybe there is a light at the end of the dental school tunnel.  I am in awe of Jake's determination all the time (although he might not know it).
The happy couple before we had any idea what we were getting into!
Congratulations baby! 

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Impossible

I don't normally blog about media, but Jake and I watched this movie this weekend.  It seems like since I have been sick for over two weeks that all I feel capable of is watching movies, but everything seems petty after seeing this film.   It was so raw and gripping and of course, I already knew it would be this way because I knew this was a film about a family during the tsunami in Thailand, but so incredibly sad.  I often wonder what I would do if I was a person in a situation such as this.  I, of course, hope that I would be able to be strong and protect the people I love and the strangers around me in need of help.  

I often wonder why I WANT to watch films that I KNOW will grip me and make me feel like my life is meaningless when other people have had to face and are in the face of disaster everyday of their lives, but I guess I like the reminder that life is precious and love is beautiful.  I guess the takeaway for me from films such as this; films that manage to effectively portray adversity to this level of extreme is to let the people we love know that we love them.

I think for the most part, we all live normal lives.  I assume that this family that experienced the tsunmami lived a normal life before that experience. I don't think we have to seek out extradorninary experiences to necessarily feel like our lives are not meaningless.  I think that the most important priorities we can have in our lives is to show the people that we love how much we love them and if we don't love anyone, then we should start to.  When life can potentially be gripped away from us at any moment, I guess I want to make the most of my life in the here and now by loving those close to me fully and deeply.

I've been trying to come to terms with the New Year and anxiously trying to set for myself some New Years Resolutions to help me find more meaning and depth to my live.  I think that it's always good to have goals and to progress, but I think when it comes to the core of our lives, everything we do should focus on love.

Anyway, I recommend this movie.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Christmas Time is Here

It has been a long time since my last post.  That has become a common story this past year I suppose, but I have finally been inspired to post something!  Christmastime will do that to a person I guess!  It's not that nothing has happened in the last six months, I just couldn't bring myself to sit down to a post.

Well, excuses aside, we've been getting ramped up to celebrate Christmas this year!  One of my favorite things about Christmas is the warm and cozy feel lighting a lit up tree can bring to your home.  We've never had one before, but since we are going to be in Buffalo up until the 24th of December, I thought that this year would be the year!

I heard from a friend about a tree farm outside of Buffalo, so we checked it out and I LOVED IT as I the following pictures should contest to.

Once you get to a farm, you get a wagon ride out to the lot of trees.  Then, you get dumped off and are free to roam to your heart's content.

...Discovering trees
Taking a break from roaming for a photo op....
And here is Jake staking claim on our tree.
It's fallen! 

And here is the finished product.